Religion, Hook-ups and a Bunch of Math: WWJD?

As it turns out, Jesus is not that hard to find. Perhaps Jehovah's witnesses should replace their nice old ladies in attempt to save our souls through Brazilian male models.

He is 22, she is pushing 50. She could have had him for a son, or, perhaps a grandson, since his actual grandmother is not much older than her. Some of us are disgusted, some are amused, most don't really care about skinny old rich people who take in humans for pets.

I wasn't bothered by Madonna's age: yeah, it's icky, but Demi / Ashton totally buffered my attitude toward May-December romances. Now, the kid's mother is only 36, 14 years younger than Madonna. That means she gave birth at 14. According to this piece, she is a devout Evangelical Christian, who is outraged by her son's actions. Something is fishy. Firstly, her age group makes up Madonna's prime audience. Secondly, Madge's fan base in other countries is uber huge -- we have seen people sell their family heirlooms in exchange for concert tickets. Thidly, can you be a devout Christian and 'go all the way' at 13? Finally, Jesus Pinto da Luz wasn't a virgin, as he left "a trail of ex-girlfriends" behind, so does it make any difference who his new lady friend is? Given the potential of this relationship, Cristiane Regina da Silva should be jumping for joy knowing that her son finally hit it big.

Even if his modelling career were to take off, we still would not have known his name. How many male models can you name? The dude who is dating Halle Berry, the dude who is dating Cameron Diaz, and Tyson Beckford -- the dude who hosts a reality show about models. Otherwise, they are no more than a lower abdomen shot on a billboard on the corner of East Houston and Lafayette. Lucky for Jesus, his situation may actually result in something measurable.

Bright Lights, Phat City: Converting Pounds into Dollars

Nobody wanted to talk about Jessica Simpson's weight gain per se, so we all talked about how despicable it was for someone to notice her alleged weight gain. Jess hasn't been in the headlines for her music or movies, so what's a star to do for publicity when all else fails? Sure, the economy is terrible, people are losing jobs and houses, children are starving all over the world, we are fighting a useless war and there is no light at the end of the tunnel yet. Jess has a point, her appearance should be the least of everyone's problems... BUT! You know who is not starving? She isn't.

Celebrities are quick to cry privacy when they don't like what they see, but I am willing to bet $5 that within eight weeks her body will be transformed back into the lean, mean muscle machine that it used to be and she will happily grace the covers of multiple mags plugging her new diet, workout, trainer and advice on how to stay fit. More so, her clothing line will include workout clothes for girls who want to "look and feel cute" at the gym.

What gives, Jess? Just let us have our distractions and irrelevant news. Be happy that this time they revolve around you. I know it sucks when the pounds pile on, but unlike most of us, you will parlay these extra curves into a calendar, a book or a DVD, that we all will eventually buy. Meanwhile, we will be stuck with the bad economy, the job loss and the hungry children.